Disgusted

If the me from one year ago met me today, he would be disgusted. I've become everything I hated in a matter of weeks. I'm not happy so I'm filling my life with things that bring me temporary pleasure. I'm selfish, I'm arrogant, and I'm still unhappy. I never thought I would get to this point but after seeing so many people do whatever they wanted and get away with it, I got sick of being the good (gay) Mormon boy. I used to believe in true love and wanted nothing more than to get married to the man of my dreams. It's hard to feel that anymore. It's hard to feel a lot of things anymore. I don't have a place in the church anymore. I go because I have to. I go because I have friends there. It just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I still know God is there. I know He loves me. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He's dissapointed in me...but He still loves me. I have a wedding to go to in a couple weeks. A Temple wedding. I'm going to have to tell my best friend I can't go in. He'll be dissapointed too. I lie too much already and I can't lie to God.

Lust and Love

How come so many gay guys are sluts? They say all the right things to get in your pants. Luckily, I trust my intuition. I pick up on red flags. Did you just say 'make out buddies'? That's code for 'fuck buddies'. I also have good friends who I can over analyze every text with. Oh my gosh, sluts are so good at saying the right things. They're even good about saying the right things about saying the right things. I need a boy. Whores need not apply.

Looking for someone who:
1. Makes me a better person
2. Is selfless
3. Is smoking hot
4. Wants kids
5. Is planning on doing something with their life (Law school maybe? Medical school? OK, neither of those are necessary, but they need to be ambitious and talented. Kids are even more expensive when you can't make them yourself!)
6. Doesn't hate the Church
7. I don't meet on the internet
8. Isn't hyper-glittery
9. Does random things to make me feel special and remind me that he loves me
10. I can spend the rest of my life with

That said, that is the kind of guy I need to be myself. I know that he'll have his flaws, because we all do, but we'd work through it. Love isn't something you fall into, it's something you create.

That's So Gay

Girls

I haven't felt sick to my stomach in months but tonight I felt it. You feel it there and you feel it in your heart too. I don't really know how else to explain it. My roomates all came in to my room and started giving updates about their status with the various girls they are chasing. On more than one occasion they made a comment about how I haven't pursued any girls in a couple months. As they went on and on about the games these girls are playing and the arm rubbing and the DTRs all I could think about was how I was more successful with guys than they were with girls. Still, I'm the unlucky, loveless, furthest from getting married one. Now I just feel sick. I think I need to move to a new place where roomates aren't as social because I don't want these conversations to come up anymore.

On Sunday I met this amazing girl in my ward. Not only is she hot, but she is extremley intelligent. If we got married I could be a stay-at-home dad. After church my friend told me that she was really into me. I honestly had no idea. I saw her from a distance on campus a couple days ago and noticed that she slowed down her stride hoping I would catch up to her. That freaked me out. What would I even say when I got to her? Flirting with girls scares me because it's all acting and it's really not fun anymore. She is perfect though! I wish I was straight. Argh.

I Like Men

I'm sitting in class and my friend and I are having a conversation. Somehow it gets on the topic of homosexuals. "They just flaunt it." she said. "They just like to shock everyone with how gay they are." I mentally rolled my eyes. I wanted to ask her if I or the two guys a couple rows ahead who have been setting off my gaydar all term flaunt it too much. She continued, "I read this article that said that homosexuality is the most extreme degree of selfishness and I agree with it." Oh my gosh, you found the cure! Thank goodness! All I have to do is be less selfish and it will all go away!

As annoyed as I was at my friend's comments, could I really blame her? The average Latter-day Saints view of homosexuals comes from stereotypes that the loud and proud gay puts on display for the whole world to see. I have come to hate stereotypical gay culture. It's obnoxious, shallow, and so glittery. You have a right to like Madonna and wear pink polos with the collars popped and do music theatre, it's not that, it's just an attitude I guess. And when the only gay people see on TV are naked gay pride paraders, child molesters, and the token gay guy in a teen movie, or course their views will be slanted.

The same way that its good for people to have Mormon neighbors, friends, and co-workers to realize that we really aren't that weird, Mormons need to have gay neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Would my friend's view of homosexuals change if she knew I was one? I hope so. Either that or her view of me would change. I promise I'm not that self absorbed and I won't rape your little boys.

Anyways, life has been good and confusing the past month. I've been on dates with both guys and girls. I have a tendency to lead people on, often without realizing it. I think part of it is just me unconsciously fully enjoying the fact that I am no longer putting my heart out on the highway and watching it get run over by a truck. Having guys come after me is the most thrilling thing; I love it. I just don't want to break hearts and make enemies and I don't want to have sex.

I was so close to writing my parents an e-mail telling them where I am in life. At the last second I chickened out. If I told them that I am friend with other gay guys at BYU they would freak out. If they found out that I've kissed some, they would die. When they eventually ask me about my search for a wife, I'll be honest. I've given it a shot, I still haven't given up, but I'm getting sick of it. Dating girls is more of a chore than fun. What would marriage be like then?

The Answer I Don't Want

I've survived two weeks of school. It's so good to have friends again. Luckily, I'm better at saying no to hanging out and yes to studying than I was two years ago. I've met a couple of gay guys. It's fun being with them because I can be myself and I don' t have any secrets. Then we end up making out and I love it until I get home and feel like trash. Last night I went to bed miserable and wondering what I've gotten myself into. I feel like I'm destined for hell. I hate being gay. Then I realize that whining about it will do nothing. I need to play with the hand I'm dealt.

I've heard some pretty convincing arguments the past two weeks for accepting the fact I'm gay and looking for someone who I can be happy with. It sounds so good but it scares me. I'm still sitting on the fence, not wanting to make a definative decision about my future but instead, wanting to dabble in each. I probably need to pray about it. You know, I've never asked God about being gay. I'm afraid of that too. I'm afraid I'll get an answer I don't want.

It Was Only A Kiss

I kissed a girl. I did it just to prove to myself that I could. Dating girls isn't any fun anymore though. I also kissed a guy. That came more naturally. It's funny, when I was making out with the girl, I had these chastity thoughts pop up in my head. It's like Young Mens hammered home the 'treat girls with respect' thing so hard that if you're straight it keeps your hormones in check, but if you're not attracted to them anyways it makes kissing them feel dirty. I felt no such feelings with the guy.