Friday, July 4, 2008

The Answer I Don't Want

I've survived two weeks of school. It's so good to have friends again. Luckily, I'm better at saying no to hanging out and yes to studying than I was two years ago. I've met a couple of gay guys. It's fun being with them because I can be myself and I don' t have any secrets. Then we end up making out and I love it until I get home and feel like trash. Last night I went to bed miserable and wondering what I've gotten myself into. I feel like I'm destined for hell. I hate being gay. Then I realize that whining about it will do nothing. I need to play with the hand I'm dealt.

I've heard some pretty convincing arguments the past two weeks for accepting the fact I'm gay and looking for someone who I can be happy with. It sounds so good but it scares me. I'm still sitting on the fence, not wanting to make a definative decision about my future but instead, wanting to dabble in each. I probably need to pray about it. You know, I've never asked God about being gay. I'm afraid of that too. I'm afraid I'll get an answer I don't want.