Friday, July 4, 2008

The Answer I Don't Want

I've survived two weeks of school. It's so good to have friends again. Luckily, I'm better at saying no to hanging out and yes to studying than I was two years ago. I've met a couple of gay guys. It's fun being with them because I can be myself and I don' t have any secrets. Then we end up making out and I love it until I get home and feel like trash. Last night I went to bed miserable and wondering what I've gotten myself into. I feel like I'm destined for hell. I hate being gay. Then I realize that whining about it will do nothing. I need to play with the hand I'm dealt.

I've heard some pretty convincing arguments the past two weeks for accepting the fact I'm gay and looking for someone who I can be happy with. It sounds so good but it scares me. I'm still sitting on the fence, not wanting to make a definative decision about my future but instead, wanting to dabble in each. I probably need to pray about it. You know, I've never asked God about being gay. I'm afraid of that too. I'm afraid I'll get an answer I don't want.

5 comments:

One of So Many said...

What's an answer you don't want to hear?

Chase said...

are you in utah yet?

Something I Can't Define said...

The answer I don't want to hear is more or less, deal with it and be celebate. And yes, I am in Utah. I'm sorry you hate it so far because I'm having a ball. I think the reason I'm enjoying myself so much is because 1) I'm super busy with school so I don't have time to be depressed and 2) I have all my old friends to fall back on so I don't have any reason to be lonley. Without those two things it might be a different story.

A CROW'S VIEW said...

...Then we end up making out and I love it until I get home and feel like trash....

Again I think you need to seriously look at what you belive. What you belive about God and his plan for you and what you want in life. If you just want to live a happy life, one in which your soul goal is to "be happy" and not worry about the eturnitys and all that, then by all means jump off the fence and have a gay ol' time.

But if you do have a testimony of the church and you believe that you are here for a greater purpose other then to fulfill your lusts and desires then I think you should pray about your idea of "having a blast."

You served a mission for two years. You bore your testimony to others, now is it what you really believe? Is it how you are going base your life? Do you want to return to God and have to explain what you've done with the talents he's given you.

The bottom line is that you have agency and you need to choose what you want. This is the time we have been given to prepare to meet God. Once this time is over we have to live an eternity with the results of our choices.

Its not easy and I can realte to what you are saying. If I didn't think the church was true I would have left it a long time ago. Choose friends who will encourge you and help you stay strong. If you just choose those who "enable" you to mess up you will keep doing so until you do finaly lose the spirit and the desire to be faithful.

Don't hate yourself. But be careful that in learning to love yourself and accept yourself you don't automaticly assume everything you do is going to be what the Lord wants. Sometimes good people mess up, but good people know it and do what they have to in order to make it right.

My offer is still here, if you need a friend e-mail me. newsboi2004 at yahoo dot com

Michael said...

I know exactly how you feel with this! I've been sitting on the fence forever, and even when I pray about it I don't feel like I get a strong enough answer to really base any life decisions on. I'm also afraid of the answer I don't want. I'm afraid God will tell me I have to live celibate or that I should just marry the first girl I connect with. I don't really see myself doing that though.

Good luck with figuring things out! Feel free to send me an email or something if you ever want to chat: stubyu@gmail.com