Disgusted

If the me from one year ago met me today, he would be disgusted. I've become everything I hated in a matter of weeks. I'm not happy so I'm filling my life with things that bring me temporary pleasure. I'm selfish, I'm arrogant, and I'm still unhappy. I never thought I would get to this point but after seeing so many people do whatever they wanted and get away with it, I got sick of being the good (gay) Mormon boy. I used to believe in true love and wanted nothing more than to get married to the man of my dreams. It's hard to feel that anymore. It's hard to feel a lot of things anymore. I don't have a place in the church anymore. I go because I have to. I go because I have friends there. It just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I still know God is there. I know He loves me. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He's dissapointed in me...but He still loves me. I have a wedding to go to in a couple weeks. A Temple wedding. I'm going to have to tell my best friend I can't go in. He'll be dissapointed too. I lie too much already and I can't lie to God.