Thursday, May 28, 2009

Disgusted

If the me from one year ago met me today, he would be disgusted. I've become everything I hated in a matter of weeks. I'm not happy so I'm filling my life with things that bring me temporary pleasure. I'm selfish, I'm arrogant, and I'm still unhappy. I never thought I would get to this point but after seeing so many people do whatever they wanted and get away with it, I got sick of being the good (gay) Mormon boy. I used to believe in true love and wanted nothing more than to get married to the man of my dreams. It's hard to feel that anymore. It's hard to feel a lot of things anymore. I don't have a place in the church anymore. I go because I have to. I go because I have friends there. It just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I still know God is there. I know He loves me. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He's dissapointed in me...but He still loves me. I have a wedding to go to in a couple weeks. A Temple wedding. I'm going to have to tell my best friend I can't go in. He'll be dissapointed too. I lie too much already and I can't lie to God.

22 comments:

October Rising said...

hey, you're alive!
anyway, i think you're great guy. you're able to recognize your own faults...a lot of people aren't capable of that. i promise selflessness will bring happiness.

Romulus said...

These feelings will pass (hopefully) and you will be happy again. It's a painful transition, but it's worth it.

Joe Conflict said...

Great blog, fun to read. Keep at it.

Kurt said...

YOUR BACK. Advice - hmmm. It sucks being there. We all have to find our own way. Just do it fast?

goodgame77 said...

Circumstances are the rulers of the weak, instrument of the wise..........................

Bubby said...

I am saddened by reading your latest post. As i delve into exploring the gay world after a lifetime of doing the right things, marry, have kids get the job etc etc, my greatest fear of living a gay life is the lifestyle.

I have then come to realize that it is what you allow it to be, stay true to yourself, keep your morals and love will ultimately find you.

I wish you well, I know all to well how daunting life can get.

www.gayoncemeanthappy.blogspot.com

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