Yesterday I had a girl flirt with me...I think. I've never been good at telling if they are or not which explains why the only girlfriends I've had are ones that are overly obsessed with me so that there was no doubt in my mind what they wanted. Anyways, this girl asked me if I've been on many dates since I've been back and I told her not really. I hate answering that question. It seems like everyone asks it and it's just small talk for them but I'm embarrased by it.

After reading some blogs by gay men married to woman, I just sit back and ask myself if I should even try to date girls at all. Honestly, that whole marry a girl when you're attracted to guys doesn't compute with me. If I think of living that kind of life, and it seems like it would be prison. Marrying a guy sounds fine and dandy, but then when I really think about what that would mean and how it would all play out, it scares me too.

I'm perfectly happy living my life single. I find fulfillment with my family and getting a paycheck and reading books and listening to music and working out but all those things can be done if you are gay, straight, married, or single. In fact, most of the time, I don't even think about me being gay. A couple years ago I almost never did. I saw guys who I was attracted to, but it was almost like I split my personality into the "real", normal, straight me, and this side gay thing that went on in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense. It's only been in the last three years that I've come to accept my homosexuality and accept the fact that it means my life won't be normal.

The problem I'm facing now is that sexuality and relationships are becoming a bigger and bigger part of the lives of my peers. In high school you could soak up the whole experience without a girlfriend but now, with the expectations of getting married, I can't do that anymore. And my desire for sexuality and relationships are growing too. It's been two years since I've kissed a girl and three since I've kissed a guy. I want to make out, I want to cuddle, I want to stare deep into someone's eyes and tell them that they are beautiful and hear them say that to me. Right now, the pressure to date and get married aren't even bad and I don't know why I'm complaining. I'm so ready to get up to Provo but why? All those feelings are going to be amplified in that town and in that culture.

Still, I need to get out of here. My job is my girlfriend, my iPod is my best friend, and this blog is my secret boyfriend. I love my family and I'm trying to make up for lost time with my brothers and sisters. They are about the only thing that makes me happy I'm still at home. Other than that, there's nothing for me. here. Most my friends are gone and all the rest are getting drunk or still haven't "graduated" in terms of their mindset. And, I don't know how to find a boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends, I saw a picture of Travis's new beau. He could have done so much better. It makes me wonder if Travis has cut ties with me because this new guy is overprotective and worried about some old ex coming and stealing his love away. Argh.

I love Mormons. Whenever I see anyone from my ward or stake it makes me happy. I love going to church on Sunday and say hi to everyone and hear five different people give a talk or teach a lesson and they all bear their testimony. They are all united in what they believe but they each got to that point indiviually. My favorite thing about teaching as a missionary was being able to say, I know this is true for myself, but don't take my word for it, go ask God . It's amazing! I know of no other church that has so much confidence in its doctrine. It also just makes sense. Man can lie and manipulate, but God, God only tell us the truth.

Beyond doctrinal religion, there is practical religion. While the rest of the world decends further into selfishness and immorality, the Latter-day Saints are having strong families and raising their kids with the expectation that they work hard and so something with their life. Hearing that the Mormons are the first to send aid to disasters of any kind isn't a surprise at all because its apart of who we are. How on Earth do you get dozens of men to go help someone they don't even know move into a new house on a Saturday morning? The ideas of service and friendship are encoded into our DNA.

We're not perfect though. As a people, we have our flaws, but the thing is, we're trying. It's beautiful to see the goodness of the Gospel at work. Normal everyday people changed by something bigger than themselves. Changed by God, changed by Christ, changed by a prayer made by a confused 14 year old boy, changed by the Spirit that has touched them in a way they needed it to. There is no other people quite like the Latter-day Saints.

Every Sunday I am reminded by all of this and I'm happy to be at church. Then I have to go to work and it doesn't feel like a Sunday at all and as I bang away at a cash register I wish I was at a fireside but that's besides the point. I love this and I don't want to leave it. Can I have both my spirituality and my sexuality?

My mom said yesterday that I need to start dating but I have no desire to date. Not girls anyway. I do want a boyfriend so bad though. I don't know where I'd go to find one. The internet? A gay bar? Those ideas scare me because I feel like all the boys I'd find there would want to get drunk and have sex. That's what Travis went off and did. I decided I'm going to wait until I get back to the Y and hopefully find someone who wants both their spirituality and sexuality too. Maybe that someone will be Lance. By the way, he's not left handed, but hey, neither am I.