Something I Can't Define

Yesterday I had a girl flirt with me...I think. I've never been good at telling if they are or not which explains why the only girlfriends I've had are ones that are overly obsessed with me so that there was no doubt in my mind what they wanted. Anyways, this girl asked me if I've been on many dates since I've been back and I told her not really. I hate answering that question. It seems like everyone asks it and it's just small talk for them but I'm embarrased by it.

After reading some blogs by gay men married to woman, I just sit back and ask myself if I should even try to date girls at all. Honestly, that whole marry a girl when you're attracted to guys doesn't compute with me. If I think of living that kind of life, and it seems like it would be prison. Marrying a guy sounds fine and dandy, but then when I really think about what that would mean and how it would all play out, it scares me too.

I'm perfectly happy living my life single. I find fulfillment with my family and getting a paycheck and reading books and listening to music and working out but all those things can be done if you are gay, straight, married, or single. In fact, most of the time, I don't even think about me being gay. A couple years ago I almost never did. I saw guys who I was attracted to, but it was almost like I split my personality into the "real", normal, straight me, and this side gay thing that went on in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense. It's only been in the last three years that I've come to accept my homosexuality and accept the fact that it means my life won't be normal.

The problem I'm facing now is that sexuality and relationships are becoming a bigger and bigger part of the lives of my peers. In high school you could soak up the whole experience without a girlfriend but now, with the expectations of getting married, I can't do that anymore. And my desire for sexuality and relationships are growing too. It's been two years since I've kissed a girl and three since I've kissed a guy. I want to make out, I want to cuddle, I want to stare deep into someone's eyes and tell them that they are beautiful and hear them say that to me. Right now, the pressure to date and get married aren't even bad and I don't know why I'm complaining. I'm so ready to get up to Provo but why? All those feelings are going to be amplified in that town and in that culture.

Still, I need to get out of here. My job is my girlfriend, my iPod is my best friend, and this blog is my secret boyfriend. I love my family and I'm trying to make up for lost time with my brothers and sisters. They are about the only thing that makes me happy I'm still at home. Other than that, there's nothing for me. here. Most my friends are gone and all the rest are getting drunk or still haven't "graduated" in terms of their mindset. And, I don't know how to find a boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends, I saw a picture of Travis's new beau. He could have done so much better. It makes me wonder if Travis has cut ties with me because this new guy is overprotective and worried about some old ex coming and stealing his love away. Argh.