He Still Loves Me

"Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us - even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Conversations With A Lesbian

A post script about my mall story: Whenever I'm nervous and about to do something, like before a game or public speaking or anything, I always say a silent prayer. Thirty seconds before walking into Buckle for the second time hoping to see that guy again, in my mind, the phrase "Dear Heavenly Father..." formed automatically as my heartbeat rose. Then I realized why exactly I was nervous and didn't proceed any further. Has anyone ever done anything like that before?

Anyways, I saw Carly, a girl I graduated with, at work. She was on the basketball team which was a synonym for lesbian at our school. I remember going to a Shakespeare play for an English class field trip one night and Carly had another girl with her. This girl was attractive and so, going along with the "play straight" schtick I've been doing for all these years, I went to go talk to her. Right before I did though, I heard another kid whisper, "That's her girlfriend." I took a step back and decided to leave them alone.

Fast forward four years and I wondered where Carly was about being open about it all. Even though everyone knew it in high school, she denied it. She asked me what I was up to and I gave the usual answer: just back from the mish, working until I go back to school. I asked her and she told me that she just moved into an apartment with her, get this, boyfriend. Who's kidding who I thought.

You're a lesbo, I'm a fag, there is no need to play this game. I find the idea of two women rubbing up against each other and making out (unless they are international pop stars and its just for album promotion) atrocious, as I'm sure she finds the idea of two guys gross, but we can respect each other. Still, if I were in her situation, I would lie too.

The Talk

It finally happened. I had the talk with my parents. Three days ago my dad said that we would be having it so I didn't come home from work. Of course, I have no where else to go and no one to go there with, so I ended up wasting gas and driving around aimlessly for miles and eventually ending up at Wal*Mart, the only place open, looking at CD's. Unfortunatley, I have to come home sometime.

Two nights ago we had it. I guess I couldn't ask for much more. My parents love me. They love me no matter what. My mom said she's never prayed for anyone harder than for me and started to cry. My dad said they will always love me and always pray for me and always want the best for me. What I appreciated the most was his understanding. "I know that there are no easy answers. I know this is something you've wrestled with for a long time." Yes and yes. The whole time I was very quiet and cold and closed. I didn't want to have this talk.

Then they asked about marriage. "It sounds like you've come to a conclusion that you aren't going to get married." my dad asked. "Yes." "Why?" "Because you can't get married if you don't date." "Have you tried to challenge that conclusion?" "Yes." "How?" I didn't answer. I didn't want to say that I've tried dating girls and it always ends flat. There is no passion, there is no attraction, there is no love. I'm sure every girl I've seriously dated has had the thought that I might be gay flash across their mind at somepoint after the relationship falls apart. I was thinking that, but I was too embarrased to say anything.

My parents told me to not rule anything out; to remember that with God, anything is possible. I used to. I used to be were they were, thinking that I could get married to a beautiful young girl in the Temple, and that there was a slight chance that it wouldn't happen but I would stay active and single in the church. I'm at a point now where I'm thinking that I could stay active and single in the church and there is a slight chance that it won't happen and I'll run off and get married to a beautiful boy in a liberal state.

I know how to find a boyfriend now. You go to any clothing store in any mall in America and talk to any of the male employees. Half of them are gay. I went to Buckle yesterday and of course was greeted by an employee eager to get commission off of selling me something. I figured he was gay at first and then realized that either he really wanted to sell me something or really wanted to talk to me because I have never had an employee talk to me more about prices, fits, styles on clothes I barely glanced at. I was ready to leave the store and he came up again to tell me about the Obey shirts and I decided I owed this guy a t-shirt or something. He found out my name, what town I'm from, and that I'm Mormon. When he figured that out, I knew my chances were shot. Mormons aren't gay, everyone knows that. I found an inexpensive shirt and bought it from him with the intent of returning it anyways. As he rang me up he just stared and me and I wanted him to ask me for my number or something, but it didn't happen. If anything was going to have happened, I should have pushed a little harder. I probably came off as aloof. Today I went back hoping to talk to him and buy something else I could return but he wasn't there and I lost the reciept so I got a Buckle gift card and am still out $30. I'm boycotting malls for six months.

Gay Encounters

Last night I went to see Iron Man with my dad and brothers. During the previews, two guys walked through our aisle and sat next to me. The one right next to me was like 17 or 18 and the other guy seemed older or maybe he was just taller. As the younger kid sat down, I thought I saw him do a double take out of the corner of my eye but I didn't think anything of it. I was really enjoying the movie and I can't remember how far along into it we were but all of a sudden I felt his foot on mine. This wasn't a accidental rub. He had taken his sandel off and rubbed his foot on mine. I left my foot there more shocked than anything and was freaking out asking myself if this was really happening to me. Then I jerked my foot away. Oh my gosh. I had like hot flashes up and down my body and was paralized. The whole rest of the movie we were "accidentally" touching arms and legs and letting them stay there longer than most strangers do. The whole time, that phone commercial where one guy is talking on his blue tooth but the second guy thinks he is talking to him and hitting on him were running through my mind. I wanted so bad to talk to the guy and his friend, but what was I supposed to do? I left with my dad and brothers, never to see those other guys again.

Then, today, I got on the computer only to find that my brother had left his facebook signed in. I was extatic because unlike me, he is friends with Travis. I jumped on and started looking at Travis' page and pictures and saw some of his new boyfriend. Then, all of a sudden, I get a instant message from none other than Travis saying hi to my bro. I told him it was me and used one of our inside jokes to prove it and then we started chatting. I kept it light at first, just talking about school and work and then I went for the jugular. I asked him why he's been avoiding me. He didn't really give an answer and I pushed him on it. He says I can call him this week. He's dated four guys since me. He's probably had sex with all of them. He comes back to town in two weeks and he said we can hang out. It will be interesting.

Right now I feel very...well, horny. It's a good thing Travis doesn't get home for two weeks. These two events got me all hot and bothered and I need to calm down.