Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Talk

It finally happened. I had the talk with my parents. Three days ago my dad said that we would be having it so I didn't come home from work. Of course, I have no where else to go and no one to go there with, so I ended up wasting gas and driving around aimlessly for miles and eventually ending up at Wal*Mart, the only place open, looking at CD's. Unfortunatley, I have to come home sometime.

Two nights ago we had it. I guess I couldn't ask for much more. My parents love me. They love me no matter what. My mom said she's never prayed for anyone harder than for me and started to cry. My dad said they will always love me and always pray for me and always want the best for me. What I appreciated the most was his understanding. "I know that there are no easy answers. I know this is something you've wrestled with for a long time." Yes and yes. The whole time I was very quiet and cold and closed. I didn't want to have this talk.

Then they asked about marriage. "It sounds like you've come to a conclusion that you aren't going to get married." my dad asked. "Yes." "Why?" "Because you can't get married if you don't date." "Have you tried to challenge that conclusion?" "Yes." "How?" I didn't answer. I didn't want to say that I've tried dating girls and it always ends flat. There is no passion, there is no attraction, there is no love. I'm sure every girl I've seriously dated has had the thought that I might be gay flash across their mind at somepoint after the relationship falls apart. I was thinking that, but I was too embarrased to say anything.

My parents told me to not rule anything out; to remember that with God, anything is possible. I used to. I used to be were they were, thinking that I could get married to a beautiful young girl in the Temple, and that there was a slight chance that it wouldn't happen but I would stay active and single in the church. I'm at a point now where I'm thinking that I could stay active and single in the church and there is a slight chance that it won't happen and I'll run off and get married to a beautiful boy in a liberal state.

I know how to find a boyfriend now. You go to any clothing store in any mall in America and talk to any of the male employees. Half of them are gay. I went to Buckle yesterday and of course was greeted by an employee eager to get commission off of selling me something. I figured he was gay at first and then realized that either he really wanted to sell me something or really wanted to talk to me because I have never had an employee talk to me more about prices, fits, styles on clothes I barely glanced at. I was ready to leave the store and he came up again to tell me about the Obey shirts and I decided I owed this guy a t-shirt or something. He found out my name, what town I'm from, and that I'm Mormon. When he figured that out, I knew my chances were shot. Mormons aren't gay, everyone knows that. I found an inexpensive shirt and bought it from him with the intent of returning it anyways. As he rang me up he just stared and me and I wanted him to ask me for my number or something, but it didn't happen. If anything was going to have happened, I should have pushed a little harder. I probably came off as aloof. Today I went back hoping to talk to him and buy something else I could return but he wasn't there and I lost the reciept so I got a Buckle gift card and am still out $30. I'm boycotting malls for six months.


Chase said...

I think all of us believe we are getting married and first. But i think there comes a point, maybe just due to maturing, that we realize it isnt realistic. We realize that it isnt just some simple thing, it is a really really big thing. Looking at it now, I am somewhat disappointed that i was ever okay with idea of marriage. I feel deeply that it is a selfish decision, no matter what. Even if the girl says it is okay, there is no way she truly understand what burden I would place on her shoulders.
I LOVE OBEY. I love it. Oh and Buckle is almost always queer, but as you said most clothing stores are. I worked at abercrombie for a bit and that was queer central.

One of So Many said...

Some of us actually do get married and, well, it isn't a happily ever after life. Marriage is work, but the mixed orientation kind are near impossible.

Relax and learn who you are and how to be you. The rest will come if it is meant to be.

A CROW'S VIEW said...

Have you ever thought about dating just for the fun of it. I mean with a girl. I have a really good friend in Provo who struggles with SGA who dates more girls then any guy I know.

He told me he does it for fun, to get to know them, to make friends and all that. He has the best attitude of any guy I've ever met here. I really would like you to meet him, I think he might be a really good influence on you and yes be a good friend.

I think that you need to stop stressing about getting married and start dealing with just living. Start dating for fun, have a good life, enjoy it. Stop looking at dating as a "way to find someone to marry" and just do it. If it happens it happens, you never know.

I have a good friend who argued this point with me for years after his mission. He decided to just be celibate. Then one day he realized that the girl who was his best friend was the girl who he loved. I asked him about this. He said that his whole life he prayed to God is he thought that he should marry a women and he said he seemed to not get an answer.

Then the moment he prayed about rather he should marry this girl, he said he felt like he had been run over by a train.

He told me that he realized this whole time that God already answered his first question, he just didn't like the answer and was praying for another. No answer meant no. But he took it to mean God wasn't listening. The second question got an answer.

I know its hard. But as you commented on my comment about making a choice, in the end look at the eternal. Stop stressing and enjoy your life. It seems that right now even if you stay strong in the church you are looking at it as "what I have to give up." you will always be miserable that way. The church will always be a prison for you. Look at it from what you are gaining, what you are being kept safe from. Look at the examples around you. Look at the advice you are giving on both sides and look at the lives of these people. Make sure you listen to those who have your best interest at heart and not just want you to be happy. Make sure they have things figured out also. We don't need the blind leading the blind.

Be happy. I'll keep you in my prayers. You keep praying too.