It finally happened. I had the talk with my parents. Three days ago my dad said that we would be having it so I didn't come home from work. Of course, I have no where else to go and no one to go there with, so I ended up wasting gas and driving around aimlessly for miles and eventually ending up at Wal*Mart, the only place open, looking at CD's. Unfortunatley, I have to come home sometime.
Two nights ago we had it. I guess I couldn't ask for much more. My parents love me. They love me no matter what. My mom said she's never prayed for anyone harder than for me and started to cry. My dad said they will always love me and always pray for me and always want the best for me. What I appreciated the most was his understanding. "I know that there are no easy answers. I know this is something you've wrestled with for a long time." Yes and yes. The whole time I was very quiet and cold and closed. I didn't want to have this talk.
Then they asked about marriage. "It sounds like you've come to a conclusion that you aren't going to get married." my dad asked. "Yes." "Why?" "Because you can't get married if you don't date." "Have you tried to challenge that conclusion?" "Yes." "How?" I didn't answer. I didn't want to say that I've tried dating girls and it always ends flat. There is no passion, there is no attraction, there is no love. I'm sure every girl I've seriously dated has had the thought that I might be gay flash across their mind at somepoint after the relationship falls apart. I was thinking that, but I was too embarrased to say anything.
My parents told me to not rule anything out; to remember that with God, anything is possible. I used to. I used to be were they were, thinking that I could get married to a beautiful young girl in the Temple, and that there was a slight chance that it wouldn't happen but I would stay active and single in the church. I'm at a point now where I'm thinking that I could stay active and single in the church and there is a slight chance that it won't happen and I'll run off and get married to a beautiful boy in a liberal state.
I know how to find a boyfriend now. You go to any clothing store in any mall in America and talk to any of the male employees. Half of them are gay. I went to Buckle yesterday and of course was greeted by an employee eager to get commission off of selling me something. I figured he was gay at first and then realized that either he really wanted to sell me something or really wanted to talk to me because I have never had an employee talk to me more about prices, fits, styles on clothes I barely glanced at. I was ready to leave the store and he came up again to tell me about the Obey shirts and I decided I owed this guy a t-shirt or something. He found out my name, what town I'm from, and that I'm Mormon. When he figured that out, I knew my chances were shot. Mormons aren't gay, everyone knows that. I found an inexpensive shirt and bought it from him with the intent of returning it anyways. As he rang me up he just stared and me and I wanted him to ask me for my number or something, but it didn't happen. If anything was going to have happened, I should have pushed a little harder. I probably came off as aloof. Today I went back hoping to talk to him and buy something else I could return but he wasn't there and I lost the reciept so I got a Buckle gift card and am still out $30. I'm boycotting malls for six months.