Lust and Love

How come so many gay guys are sluts? They say all the right things to get in your pants. Luckily, I trust my intuition. I pick up on red flags. Did you just say 'make out buddies'? That's code for 'fuck buddies'. I also have good friends who I can over analyze every text with. Oh my gosh, sluts are so good at saying the right things. They're even good about saying the right things about saying the right things. I need a boy. Whores need not apply.

Looking for someone who:
1. Makes me a better person
2. Is selfless
3. Is smoking hot
4. Wants kids
5. Is planning on doing something with their life (Law school maybe? Medical school? OK, neither of those are necessary, but they need to be ambitious and talented. Kids are even more expensive when you can't make them yourself!)
6. Doesn't hate the Church
7. I don't meet on the internet
8. Isn't hyper-glittery
9. Does random things to make me feel special and remind me that he loves me
10. I can spend the rest of my life with

That said, that is the kind of guy I need to be myself. I know that he'll have his flaws, because we all do, but we'd work through it. Love isn't something you fall into, it's something you create.

That's So Gay

Girls

I haven't felt sick to my stomach in months but tonight I felt it. You feel it there and you feel it in your heart too. I don't really know how else to explain it. My roomates all came in to my room and started giving updates about their status with the various girls they are chasing. On more than one occasion they made a comment about how I haven't pursued any girls in a couple months. As they went on and on about the games these girls are playing and the arm rubbing and the DTRs all I could think about was how I was more successful with guys than they were with girls. Still, I'm the unlucky, loveless, furthest from getting married one. Now I just feel sick. I think I need to move to a new place where roomates aren't as social because I don't want these conversations to come up anymore.

On Sunday I met this amazing girl in my ward. Not only is she hot, but she is extremley intelligent. If we got married I could be a stay-at-home dad. After church my friend told me that she was really into me. I honestly had no idea. I saw her from a distance on campus a couple days ago and noticed that she slowed down her stride hoping I would catch up to her. That freaked me out. What would I even say when I got to her? Flirting with girls scares me because it's all acting and it's really not fun anymore. She is perfect though! I wish I was straight. Argh.

I Like Men

I'm sitting in class and my friend and I are having a conversation. Somehow it gets on the topic of homosexuals. "They just flaunt it." she said. "They just like to shock everyone with how gay they are." I mentally rolled my eyes. I wanted to ask her if I or the two guys a couple rows ahead who have been setting off my gaydar all term flaunt it too much. She continued, "I read this article that said that homosexuality is the most extreme degree of selfishness and I agree with it." Oh my gosh, you found the cure! Thank goodness! All I have to do is be less selfish and it will all go away!

As annoyed as I was at my friend's comments, could I really blame her? The average Latter-day Saints view of homosexuals comes from stereotypes that the loud and proud gay puts on display for the whole world to see. I have come to hate stereotypical gay culture. It's obnoxious, shallow, and so glittery. You have a right to like Madonna and wear pink polos with the collars popped and do music theatre, it's not that, it's just an attitude I guess. And when the only gay people see on TV are naked gay pride paraders, child molesters, and the token gay guy in a teen movie, or course their views will be slanted.

The same way that its good for people to have Mormon neighbors, friends, and co-workers to realize that we really aren't that weird, Mormons need to have gay neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Would my friend's view of homosexuals change if she knew I was one? I hope so. Either that or her view of me would change. I promise I'm not that self absorbed and I won't rape your little boys.

Anyways, life has been good and confusing the past month. I've been on dates with both guys and girls. I have a tendency to lead people on, often without realizing it. I think part of it is just me unconsciously fully enjoying the fact that I am no longer putting my heart out on the highway and watching it get run over by a truck. Having guys come after me is the most thrilling thing; I love it. I just don't want to break hearts and make enemies and I don't want to have sex.

I was so close to writing my parents an e-mail telling them where I am in life. At the last second I chickened out. If I told them that I am friend with other gay guys at BYU they would freak out. If they found out that I've kissed some, they would die. When they eventually ask me about my search for a wife, I'll be honest. I've given it a shot, I still haven't given up, but I'm getting sick of it. Dating girls is more of a chore than fun. What would marriage be like then?

The Answer I Don't Want

I've survived two weeks of school. It's so good to have friends again. Luckily, I'm better at saying no to hanging out and yes to studying than I was two years ago. I've met a couple of gay guys. It's fun being with them because I can be myself and I don' t have any secrets. Then we end up making out and I love it until I get home and feel like trash. Last night I went to bed miserable and wondering what I've gotten myself into. I feel like I'm destined for hell. I hate being gay. Then I realize that whining about it will do nothing. I need to play with the hand I'm dealt.

I've heard some pretty convincing arguments the past two weeks for accepting the fact I'm gay and looking for someone who I can be happy with. It sounds so good but it scares me. I'm still sitting on the fence, not wanting to make a definative decision about my future but instead, wanting to dabble in each. I probably need to pray about it. You know, I've never asked God about being gay. I'm afraid of that too. I'm afraid I'll get an answer I don't want.

It Was Only A Kiss

I kissed a girl. I did it just to prove to myself that I could. Dating girls isn't any fun anymore though. I also kissed a guy. That came more naturally. It's funny, when I was making out with the girl, I had these chastity thoughts pop up in my head. It's like Young Mens hammered home the 'treat girls with respect' thing so hard that if you're straight it keeps your hormones in check, but if you're not attracted to them anyways it makes kissing them feel dirty. I felt no such feelings with the guy.

He Still Loves Me

"Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us - even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Conversations With A Lesbian

A post script about my mall story: Whenever I'm nervous and about to do something, like before a game or public speaking or anything, I always say a silent prayer. Thirty seconds before walking into Buckle for the second time hoping to see that guy again, in my mind, the phrase "Dear Heavenly Father..." formed automatically as my heartbeat rose. Then I realized why exactly I was nervous and didn't proceed any further. Has anyone ever done anything like that before?

Anyways, I saw Carly, a girl I graduated with, at work. She was on the basketball team which was a synonym for lesbian at our school. I remember going to a Shakespeare play for an English class field trip one night and Carly had another girl with her. This girl was attractive and so, going along with the "play straight" schtick I've been doing for all these years, I went to go talk to her. Right before I did though, I heard another kid whisper, "That's her girlfriend." I took a step back and decided to leave them alone.

Fast forward four years and I wondered where Carly was about being open about it all. Even though everyone knew it in high school, she denied it. She asked me what I was up to and I gave the usual answer: just back from the mish, working until I go back to school. I asked her and she told me that she just moved into an apartment with her, get this, boyfriend. Who's kidding who I thought.

You're a lesbo, I'm a fag, there is no need to play this game. I find the idea of two women rubbing up against each other and making out (unless they are international pop stars and its just for album promotion) atrocious, as I'm sure she finds the idea of two guys gross, but we can respect each other. Still, if I were in her situation, I would lie too.

The Talk

It finally happened. I had the talk with my parents. Three days ago my dad said that we would be having it so I didn't come home from work. Of course, I have no where else to go and no one to go there with, so I ended up wasting gas and driving around aimlessly for miles and eventually ending up at Wal*Mart, the only place open, looking at CD's. Unfortunatley, I have to come home sometime.

Two nights ago we had it. I guess I couldn't ask for much more. My parents love me. They love me no matter what. My mom said she's never prayed for anyone harder than for me and started to cry. My dad said they will always love me and always pray for me and always want the best for me. What I appreciated the most was his understanding. "I know that there are no easy answers. I know this is something you've wrestled with for a long time." Yes and yes. The whole time I was very quiet and cold and closed. I didn't want to have this talk.

Then they asked about marriage. "It sounds like you've come to a conclusion that you aren't going to get married." my dad asked. "Yes." "Why?" "Because you can't get married if you don't date." "Have you tried to challenge that conclusion?" "Yes." "How?" I didn't answer. I didn't want to say that I've tried dating girls and it always ends flat. There is no passion, there is no attraction, there is no love. I'm sure every girl I've seriously dated has had the thought that I might be gay flash across their mind at somepoint after the relationship falls apart. I was thinking that, but I was too embarrased to say anything.

My parents told me to not rule anything out; to remember that with God, anything is possible. I used to. I used to be were they were, thinking that I could get married to a beautiful young girl in the Temple, and that there was a slight chance that it wouldn't happen but I would stay active and single in the church. I'm at a point now where I'm thinking that I could stay active and single in the church and there is a slight chance that it won't happen and I'll run off and get married to a beautiful boy in a liberal state.

I know how to find a boyfriend now. You go to any clothing store in any mall in America and talk to any of the male employees. Half of them are gay. I went to Buckle yesterday and of course was greeted by an employee eager to get commission off of selling me something. I figured he was gay at first and then realized that either he really wanted to sell me something or really wanted to talk to me because I have never had an employee talk to me more about prices, fits, styles on clothes I barely glanced at. I was ready to leave the store and he came up again to tell me about the Obey shirts and I decided I owed this guy a t-shirt or something. He found out my name, what town I'm from, and that I'm Mormon. When he figured that out, I knew my chances were shot. Mormons aren't gay, everyone knows that. I found an inexpensive shirt and bought it from him with the intent of returning it anyways. As he rang me up he just stared and me and I wanted him to ask me for my number or something, but it didn't happen. If anything was going to have happened, I should have pushed a little harder. I probably came off as aloof. Today I went back hoping to talk to him and buy something else I could return but he wasn't there and I lost the reciept so I got a Buckle gift card and am still out $30. I'm boycotting malls for six months.

Gay Encounters

Last night I went to see Iron Man with my dad and brothers. During the previews, two guys walked through our aisle and sat next to me. The one right next to me was like 17 or 18 and the other guy seemed older or maybe he was just taller. As the younger kid sat down, I thought I saw him do a double take out of the corner of my eye but I didn't think anything of it. I was really enjoying the movie and I can't remember how far along into it we were but all of a sudden I felt his foot on mine. This wasn't a accidental rub. He had taken his sandel off and rubbed his foot on mine. I left my foot there more shocked than anything and was freaking out asking myself if this was really happening to me. Then I jerked my foot away. Oh my gosh. I had like hot flashes up and down my body and was paralized. The whole rest of the movie we were "accidentally" touching arms and legs and letting them stay there longer than most strangers do. The whole time, that phone commercial where one guy is talking on his blue tooth but the second guy thinks he is talking to him and hitting on him were running through my mind. I wanted so bad to talk to the guy and his friend, but what was I supposed to do? I left with my dad and brothers, never to see those other guys again.

Then, today, I got on the computer only to find that my brother had left his facebook signed in. I was extatic because unlike me, he is friends with Travis. I jumped on and started looking at Travis' page and pictures and saw some of his new boyfriend. Then, all of a sudden, I get a instant message from none other than Travis saying hi to my bro. I told him it was me and used one of our inside jokes to prove it and then we started chatting. I kept it light at first, just talking about school and work and then I went for the jugular. I asked him why he's been avoiding me. He didn't really give an answer and I pushed him on it. He says I can call him this week. He's dated four guys since me. He's probably had sex with all of them. He comes back to town in two weeks and he said we can hang out. It will be interesting.

Right now I feel very...well, horny. It's a good thing Travis doesn't get home for two weeks. These two events got me all hot and bothered and I need to calm down.

Yesterday I had a girl flirt with me...I think. I've never been good at telling if they are or not which explains why the only girlfriends I've had are ones that are overly obsessed with me so that there was no doubt in my mind what they wanted. Anyways, this girl asked me if I've been on many dates since I've been back and I told her not really. I hate answering that question. It seems like everyone asks it and it's just small talk for them but I'm embarrased by it.

After reading some blogs by gay men married to woman, I just sit back and ask myself if I should even try to date girls at all. Honestly, that whole marry a girl when you're attracted to guys doesn't compute with me. If I think of living that kind of life, and it seems like it would be prison. Marrying a guy sounds fine and dandy, but then when I really think about what that would mean and how it would all play out, it scares me too.

I'm perfectly happy living my life single. I find fulfillment with my family and getting a paycheck and reading books and listening to music and working out but all those things can be done if you are gay, straight, married, or single. In fact, most of the time, I don't even think about me being gay. A couple years ago I almost never did. I saw guys who I was attracted to, but it was almost like I split my personality into the "real", normal, straight me, and this side gay thing that went on in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense. It's only been in the last three years that I've come to accept my homosexuality and accept the fact that it means my life won't be normal.

The problem I'm facing now is that sexuality and relationships are becoming a bigger and bigger part of the lives of my peers. In high school you could soak up the whole experience without a girlfriend but now, with the expectations of getting married, I can't do that anymore. And my desire for sexuality and relationships are growing too. It's been two years since I've kissed a girl and three since I've kissed a guy. I want to make out, I want to cuddle, I want to stare deep into someone's eyes and tell them that they are beautiful and hear them say that to me. Right now, the pressure to date and get married aren't even bad and I don't know why I'm complaining. I'm so ready to get up to Provo but why? All those feelings are going to be amplified in that town and in that culture.

Still, I need to get out of here. My job is my girlfriend, my iPod is my best friend, and this blog is my secret boyfriend. I love my family and I'm trying to make up for lost time with my brothers and sisters. They are about the only thing that makes me happy I'm still at home. Other than that, there's nothing for me. here. Most my friends are gone and all the rest are getting drunk or still haven't "graduated" in terms of their mindset. And, I don't know how to find a boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends, I saw a picture of Travis's new beau. He could have done so much better. It makes me wonder if Travis has cut ties with me because this new guy is overprotective and worried about some old ex coming and stealing his love away. Argh.

I love Mormons. Whenever I see anyone from my ward or stake it makes me happy. I love going to church on Sunday and say hi to everyone and hear five different people give a talk or teach a lesson and they all bear their testimony. They are all united in what they believe but they each got to that point indiviually. My favorite thing about teaching as a missionary was being able to say, I know this is true for myself, but don't take my word for it, go ask God . It's amazing! I know of no other church that has so much confidence in its doctrine. It also just makes sense. Man can lie and manipulate, but God, God only tell us the truth.

Beyond doctrinal religion, there is practical religion. While the rest of the world decends further into selfishness and immorality, the Latter-day Saints are having strong families and raising their kids with the expectation that they work hard and so something with their life. Hearing that the Mormons are the first to send aid to disasters of any kind isn't a surprise at all because its apart of who we are. How on Earth do you get dozens of men to go help someone they don't even know move into a new house on a Saturday morning? The ideas of service and friendship are encoded into our DNA.

We're not perfect though. As a people, we have our flaws, but the thing is, we're trying. It's beautiful to see the goodness of the Gospel at work. Normal everyday people changed by something bigger than themselves. Changed by God, changed by Christ, changed by a prayer made by a confused 14 year old boy, changed by the Spirit that has touched them in a way they needed it to. There is no other people quite like the Latter-day Saints.

Every Sunday I am reminded by all of this and I'm happy to be at church. Then I have to go to work and it doesn't feel like a Sunday at all and as I bang away at a cash register I wish I was at a fireside but that's besides the point. I love this and I don't want to leave it. Can I have both my spirituality and my sexuality?

My mom said yesterday that I need to start dating but I have no desire to date. Not girls anyway. I do want a boyfriend so bad though. I don't know where I'd go to find one. The internet? A gay bar? Those ideas scare me because I feel like all the boys I'd find there would want to get drunk and have sex. That's what Travis went off and did. I decided I'm going to wait until I get back to the Y and hopefully find someone who wants both their spirituality and sexuality too. Maybe that someone will be Lance. By the way, he's not left handed, but hey, neither am I.